I am rarely alone these days.
It’s not good.
It felt dangerous to be alone this week. When I was, every ounce of bottled emotion released its fury. My throat tightened. My stomach knotted. I forgot how to breathe. This is foreign terrain for me. I am a lover of alone. Alone is sacred to me. It is my sanity. It is where I learn to breathe again – my morning quiet, a few hours of retreat or a sunny Sabbath afternoon.
I am an extrovert by nature. I am energized by people, but when I choose to be alone, I am energized by God. But now these raw emotions invade my solitude. They threaten even a 10 minute car ride to pick up a child from practice. I long for these tiny quiet interludes, but now it threatens my attempts at stability.
It makes me wonder.
Many people resist being alone. Being alone can be hard, and now I see, painful. Is a portion of this equation the raw emotions that rise up from an unhealed (untended) heart?
Have you ever hidden from quiet? From time alone?
Are there unhealed wounds woven into your soul?
Is heartbreak too close at hand?
I’m learning that grief is the private work of loss – often a solo journey within the soul. To mourn, is to speak of this grief out loud. To give it a voice, if only to God. To grieve is important. To mourn is to heal.
…I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow…They will be like a well-watered garden, they will sorrow no more. Jeremiah 31:13b & 12d
In time. This is a promise that will be fulfilled in time. Does quiet unearth those places in your heart that are tender to the touch and hard to name? Let God have his way. Great things happen in dark, quiet places.
Ask – if you will, a butterfly.
In the quiet stillness we have only our thoughts. Work has ceased. Noise is stilled. Now is the time you no longer can hide behind….life. Alone. Real. Here in the time there are no masks. Now you experience you. This is a place few dare to enter. Even introverts fear this place of real realness. Is God there? Yes. I want to run to Him, but my legs fail with the first step. He will come to you, my friend. He will pick you up and hold you. My body hurts. My soul aches. Anger wells up and overflows. It’s okay. You can scream in God’s ear. He is okay with that. He will hold you closer and keep you safe. You can beat on His chest. How He loves that you trust Him with your realness! The tears. If they start, will they stop? Yes. God knows the time you have for aloneness. He will allow the tears to stop before the child gets in the car, the grocery store door opens, the neighbors rings the bell. Yes, the tears stop….but not today…not right now. I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know why you have to walk this path. I’m proud that God has trusted you to be able to walk it. Others will come behind you and you will help them heal. Now. Well, now is just bad. Now is just really bad. You’re being held by many and mostly by God. Take courage, my friend.
Betty.
Betty.
You know the depths.
You encourage me.
Cheer me on.
Your cloud of witness is bright in the sky.
Take courage my friend.
I love you. Jesus loves you so much and He gave you to me. Praise His Holy Name.
Yes, a Butterfly:) God makes every thing anew. We are given a new day each morning, new opportunities, many of things anew. A Butterfly has always been a symbol that I have admired.
Diana,
God’s fingerprints in creation speak to deep places in my heart.
New Life!
Powerful view into a heart of grief. Intense. Painful. Yet trusting in God.
Shar,
This journey is beyond my abilities.
But not His.
You know this. Live this.
You bless me.